Wednesday, 31 October 2007

When in Castieleforintosomething, do as the Castieleforintosomethings do

By which I mean speak the language. It's called Italian.

Phenomenally intelligent boofhead that I am, I mastered the lingo in a trice. I have an ear for language. Here's one of them:

Even if I still can't get my big pink tongue around the name of this village. But I'm working on it.

Barbra? Well, let's get scientific for a moment. As well as an ear for language, I also have a nose for science. Here it is:

But back to Barbra and science. It's a known scientific fact that atmospheric pressure will crush an empty vessel. Which is to say, a vessel containing nothing. Nix. A vacuum.

Why then hasn't atmospheric pressure crushed Barbra's brain box before this?

Per esempio, she thought she'd tackle learning Italian. She started with all the best intentions.

Two seconds later:

Firmly ensconced in the Land of Nod.

I'm fast losing faith in science.

Monday, 29 October 2007

How To Win Friends and give Influenza to People

Yeah yeah. Back again. It's cold outside, it's raining, the heating's on inside, and the computer's available. This had better not become a habit.

So what does a boofy Old English Sheepdog get up to in Castinforintinosomething or whatever this village is called? For starters, he has a look around:

Note the vertically-challenged Barbra having a close-up squiz at a cold, hard lump of stone. She seeks out these kindred spirits.

While she communes with a fellow traveller, I, from my lofty heights, muse on distant horizons:

Is that Arezzo in the far, far distance, I asked myself, on the horizon, in the saddle in the hills, about a third of the way across from the left in this snap I took with my trusty Kodak Bow Brownie?

There was only one way to find out. Ask the locals:

"Si, certo, Dermott!", said the locals. It was, indeed, Arezzo.

So that's how to win friends in a foreign country in a village with an unpronounceable name. Show an interest in the place.

While Barbra's contribution to international relations is to catch 'flu and give it to the locals. Hasn't she heard of a warm pair of wellies?

Obviously not.

And she wonders why she's friendless in Castinetforitenosomething.

Saturday, 27 October 2007

Victim of Anthropomorphism (II)

Yeah yeah. Back again so soon. Only I don't really consider this being back again on the basis that it's a Part II.

See this pile of my drivel for the preamble to what's to follow. I couldn't be stuffed typing it all again. Besides, I'm running short of pencils.

Back again? Goodoh. My second tag came from a two-legged dog not unfamiliar to me on the basis that, from time to time, she has been known to tickle my tummy and even, sometimes, on the odd occasion, clean up after I throw up.

This time, apparently, I'm supposed to reveal seven things no-one knows about me. Only seven?

1. I dribble. As distinct from drivel, a noun, though I'm on nodding terms with that, too. See above.

2. I'm nutless. I'm banding together with countless other equally abused dogs to mount a class action.

3. I've been known on the odd occasion from time to time fare un peto. I blame diet.

4. I would eat a horse and chase the rider for pudding.

5. I'm the world's greatest chicken-hearted coward with a yellow streak the width of Italy.

6. I'm fluent in Italian.

7. I share an abode with Barbra Streisand.

One or another of the above might be something approaching what could loosely be called a fib.

Victim of Anthropomorphism (I)

Yeah yeah. Back so soon. This isn't going to become a habit, trust me. I've got heaps better things to do than sit in front of a computer. Like eat. Sleep. Eat again. Sleep again. With the occasional peto to keep people on their toes. I'm currently practising the Italian national anthem.

Anyways, one of the downsides of doghood is anthropomorphism. Human beings not only treat you like one of them, they ascribe human characteristics. One of the upsides of doghood is that you can humor the poor saps, feigning human characteristics, watching their human faces light up in delight when they think they've made personal contact. Per esempio:

Two-legged dog: Well, Dermott, what d'you reckon about the US sub-prime mortgage imbroglio?

Me: I reckon it only underlines the utter frailty of the capitalist system vis a vis its dependence on intangibles like confidence.

The two-legged dog walks away chuffed that their pet makes Einstein look like a hairy goose who stuck his finger in a power outlet.

And I snigger up my hairy sleeve. Gotcha again, bub.

All of which brings me to the fact that I've been tagged. Tagging is, apparently, an internet blog thing. So I read online. I wouldn't really know. I'm a dog, after all.

My first tag came from Judith. Judith's a terrific person, grande cuoca, friend of the two-legged dogs. And mine. She even reads my inane utterances to be found littering this site.

Overlooking the fact that I'm just a dog, she wants me to list my five strengths as a writer.


1. I have paws the size of elephants' feet. Without assistance, when I try to type - per esempio, the letter A - I get this on the screen: 2t7213uot. Two-legged dogs should try picking out the letter A on their keyboard with a clenched fist.

See what I mean?

Thus, ingenuity became my first strength as a writer. With a pencil clenched between my over-sized teeth, I learned to pick out the keys I needed. First downside - it takes me eight weeks to type a sentence. Second downside - I've developed an addiction to both pencil lead and the timber around it. I'm up to two packs of pencils a day. I'm looking into the availability of pencil lead and timber patches.

2. I suppose imagination is a strength. A very old, very experienced writer once told one of my two-legged dogs that the key to writing is to take the lid off your imagination. Sometimes I imagine Barbra as a medium-rare burger.

3. I'm a perfectionist. I can go through an extra pack of pencils getting a phrase exactly right - if not absolutely perfectly grammatically right, right in the context of the flow and rhythm, and, even more importantly, right in the choice of the appropriate word for its colour and tone. That's a lot of rights. More rights than a Formula One circuit. I'd call myself anal retentive but the peti belie that.

4. As per the immediately above, I hate prosaic. Barbra brings new meaning to prosaic.

5. Fun. I like to have fun. I like fun. The world is a sh*thouse place with not enough fun in it.

Excuse me while I open another pack of pencils.